Prayer.

I hear a lot of complaining around the place. It's everywhere around me and it's in me too. Honesty is beautiful but sometimes you really can get in your own way.

I often get the working mama balancing act wrong but you know, I often get it right too. There have been times where it would have been easier to not have Jude with me at a show but it wouldn't have been as much fun. I love that he sees, hears and understands what I do. There are other times I've pushed him too far and he would have been happier at his dad's house watching movies and snuggling or being doted on by his beloved Nanna. 

The truth is, it doesn't matter which way we go. He is loved, he is love. I am loved, I am love. We walk, love and learn all this stuff together. And then we forget and remember again and again.

One day I will be an old lady, a master of my emotions and thoughts with a hundred records to her name. But the boy who made me a mother, who will one day be a man, if he knows he was, is and will always be loved then that will make my heart smile most of all.  

Never before and never again will I know such a love. 

Be great. Be good. Be mediocre. Be fearless. Be cautious. Be kind. Be firm. Be sure. Guess. Be funny. Be honest. Be gentle. Smile. Walk. Hold. Eat. Drink. Sleep. Love. Love. Love. Do what you love and be love while you're doing it. Be Sarah.

In tiredness, in confusion, in fear and in frustration - let me remember my everlasting love. My unending loveliness. My Sarah-ness.

Gosh.

I always say 'gosh' these days, in my time I've made a lot of Christian friends and hate to offend anybody.... You never know.

I'm having a bit of an 'Oh gosh' time at the moment. There are so many tiny things happening, and together they create a big that is overwhelming for a sensitive soul like me.

It seems like everywhere I turn, i'm always faced with something that takes my breath away, sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a not so good way. And sometimes, in a neither good nor bad way. Just a way. I'm trying not to judge these moments in fact, just letting them knock at my door and come in or pass by if they need to. Maybe if i make a list I might feel better. Lists make me feel better. So here's my OH GOSH list. Please don't belittle it. Please don't hashtag #firstworldproblems - I'm actually a very nice and grateful person. Be kind...

Sometimes it's too bright.
Sometimes it's too noisy.
Sometimes I feel anxious when I step out of my house to do anything at all.
I feel hot.
The cupboards are empty.
I've put on weight.
Oh that much. Right.
Jude's at pre-school.
JUDE'S AT PRE-SCHOOL.
Jude's awake again.
Jude's got really long legs.
Jude will be four this year!
My Aunty has cancer.
My Mum is sad.
Is my biggest brother okay?
Is my Dad okay?
Should i go see him today or will I just interrupt his programs and cross-wording?
Is my other brother okay?
Is Jude's Dad okay?
How can I move on with my life so it doesn't hurt him?
I hope he meets someone nice soon.
But not too nice that I feel inadequate.
I hope she gets along with Jude.
But not too well that I feel inadequate.
What am I going to wear today?
When's the last time I spoke to Paul about something other than logistics?
I don't want to get on a plane. Planes are scary.
My house is a mess.
I hope the rats in the roof go away soon.
There's just so much to do.
Put another load on. Hang another load. Fold another load. Or just ignore it.
I hope the guinea pig isn't pregnant.
I hope so and so pays me soon.
I hope i have enough money this week.
I hope i have enough money next week.
I hope i look pretty in my next photoshoot.
I hope people think i look pretty without trying.
I hope my next film clip works out.
We have no ideas as yet and it's due in 3 weeks.
I'd like to play guitar in the next week or so.
I wonder if so and so likes me?

OH GOSH.

I actually do feel a little better.

x

Boy Wonder, you're my one and only.

So my beautiful partner and I made this film clip. He did all the hard bits and I did all the easy bits. His name is Paul Melnyk and he's going to be making a lot more films and taking a lot more pictures from now on. I'm going to make sure of it.

Here is Boy Wonder... It kind of speaks for itself. My boy, how I love him so.

He is at Montessori for the morning. After an incredible first week it went downhill. The past two weeks he has cried for his Mummy as I leave and it's broken me in two. I went to parent/teacher meet and greet and cried. I cried at the shops. I cried whenever I spoke of Jude being at this magical, beautiful place - a place that I didn't get to go to as well. Today he didn't cry, he took his teacher by the hand and asked him for his muesli bar. It filled me with joy and with hope that we can do this, my boy wonder and I.

x

Why you need to know all about Loren Kate.

 

You just do.

She's a real, uplifting, good person making the sweetest music. She sings for her daughter, her step-kids, her man and her community. She spends her time looking after the ones she loves, cooking, gardening and singing. When she writes one of her special songs, it moves me to my core. She has brought tears to my eyes and also made me smile so big I wanted to burst and sing along with her forever and ever.

She is crowd-funding her next record. This means that you pledge an amount, big or very small and receive something in return. Most people pre-order a CD for $25 but some decide that they want to give her more money or can't resist one of the amazing rewards - like a house concert, a handmade necklace from Loren, a signed collection of her back catalogue... the list goes on!

She has just under 40 days on her Pozible site to raise the remaining $7000 that's required to make this record.

I've made records cheaply and I've made big ol' expensive ones. (Expensive to me!) They are ALL beautiful and close to my heart and as an artist i've chosen whether it's time for me to make something with a small budget or a larger one.

Loren has made records on tight budgets before. At this time in her life she'd like to spend a bit more making it with some of the best musicians and a wonderful producer in Sydney. She's made that decision as an artist and I fully support her. She is asking for help from her community, her friends and from music lovers all over the world to help her realise this goal.

I would love you to hear her sing, watch her story and see her beautiful smile - you can do it all here -

LOREN KATE - POZIBLE

x

The story behind Winterman

About a 1/4 of women experience post natal depression. I knew I was at risk because I have experienced depression and anxiety in my past and mental illness runs in my family. Something not spoken about very much is ante-natal depression which joined me on and off throughout my wanted, planned and wonderful pregnancy. It didn't cloud every moment, I was just on edge and unable to cope with very much at all. I stopped working mostly, the odd gig and recording/writing day but nothing like I have done in the past. I went to counselling. I stopped looking after my Dad two nights a week (he has dementia and is now in full time care) and I pottered. Went to yoga. Breathed. Walked. Waited.

When Jude was born I was instantly in love. I loved him while he was in my tummy but I literally found it hard to let him go when he came out of me, one beautiful spring morning. We felt safe together, he and I. We liked it when it was quiet. I tried to go out but quickly retreated back to the safety of home. I was obsessed with his every move, I cried when he threw up his milk, I cried when he cried, I cried when I had to make dinner and I sat there looking at my massive washing pile and cried some more. 'It just never ends!' I sobbed to my Mum.

I knew I had post natal depression when Jude was about six weeks old. There comes a point when you pass 'stressed' and cross over into it. I felt unworthy to be his Mother. I felt so sorry that he had to put up with me. I felt useless. Hopeless. I felt worried and anxious a lot of the time about something happening to him.

One of the traits that I believe makes my songwriting come to life is my vivid imagination. I used to spend a lot of time playing on my own when I was a little girl in my own special world. It was safe there, I wasn't judged and I fit in perfectly. I have often in my teenage and adult life spent lots of time daydreaming, which I believe is where my songs come from. I am very connected to that space which is why when I do sit down to write it often flows very easily.

It's hard when you're not in a good place to switch that imagination off. It can get stuck on horrible thoughts and fears. Usually it was picturing terrible things happening, horrible thoughts creeping in before I went to sleep or just going about my day. I kept my eyes open a lot, watching the rise and fall of Jude's chest. Trying to breathe myself. Knowing that if anything were to happen to him, it would be the end of me.

Now as I have healed and we have grown together when I feel those fears (not as strongly I might add) I go to a place of gratitude. I switch off from the fears and remember to be grateful. Gratitude for all that he is and all that I have. My darling almost-three-year-old. The most beautiful person I have ever and will ever know, the love of my life.

So here I am, working again. Singing again. Sleeping again. Being a Mum, a great one mostly. Accepting of my mistakes and being gentle on myself. I am still recovering from post-natal depression. But i am definitely not in it's depths anymore. More like I am sitting on the sand, wondering how I ever got so very lost in that sea and knowing all the things I need to do to stay on the shore.

That was really hard to write but I hope it helps somebody out there feel a little tiny bit less alone.

x

Hello launch at The Rhythm Hut - Photos by DWF Photography.

Launching an album is special. Whether I have done one show or twenty five or fifty shows to launch a CD, it's special. There is nothing like being at the end of a recording but only really being at the beginning of sharing it with everyone.

Daniel Ferris from DWF Photography spent the afternoon and evening with us at The Rhythm Hut on one of our first shows to launch my new baby, Hello. For around seven hours he patiently followed us around, doing what we do on gig days.

These are so very special. Contact Daniel if you'd like to have some photos of a special day captured or if you'd like a voucher for a loved one's Christmas gift. I cried tears of joy looking through my photos, seeing us being us and feeling the love through the screen.

x Sarah 

A 'REAL' woman?

I'm not a 'real' woman or a 'normal' or 'average' woman. I'm just a woman with a body. It works, it made a baby, it breastfed for almost a year and a half. It's different to yours, it's not better and it's certainly not worse.

So Christina Hendricks refused to answer the 'full figured' question. Perhaps some other day she would have answered it, perhaps she was just having a day where she felt like talking about her glasses and not her curves. She's very entitled to not want to talk about something. Perhaps the question made her feel small inside and she just didn't want to talk about her norks that day.

I wouldn't be offended if somebody called me full figured most days, voluptuous, hourglass, meat on my bones - whatever. But I don't face questions about my size, shape or body daily, hourly or more! I do feel like it could feel like a passive little dig at me if it came from a woman who was teeny tiny and i didn't know them from a bar of soap.

I've thought about how I will answer the question if it is asked of me. I will possibly just say 'I am a woman, I have a body, it works and I'm grateful.'

I hope that over time women start to feel comfy in their own skin. I hope over time I feel incredibly comfy in my own, instead of just sometimes.

I hope that some of the women I know, including myself decide that they are beautiful and won't hear otherwise from anybody. And if I have to talk about diets with anyone ever again I think i might just make a bed in my hands and fall asleep mid conversation.

x