Monday, 3 June 2013
It's been a really big month and more and more I've been turning inward, preparing for my winter of peace (as peaceful as it gets with a 3 and a half year old around!) and quiet. To be honest I haven't picked up an instrument unless I've had to and I've only written words that are meant for me. 'My eyes only' as I might have said fifteen years ago. I am getting a bit old. But that's good. I'm thankful for the opportunity and happen to think I'll make a lovely old lady someday.
I've been battling a chest infection and really sore muscles in my chest and my back from coughing so much. That's actually a slight understatement but this isn't something I wish to complain about in depth. I am in pain, simply. This pain has been humbling and forced me to sit still, even when there's much to do. I've had to teach Jude to do a few more things for himself which I know is a wonderful silver lining, but I would rather teach him by choice rather than necessity. Even though he's nearly four, I still carry him a lot so this has been the biggest adjustment as my pain has forced me to stop carrying him. Today I haven't picked him up once, and I'd say it's the first time that has ever happened. Even the most independent of children probably still get carried from time to time throughout a regular day! He has actually had to ask for cuddles, something that's never been asked for before as we are usually so physically close just from the habit of carrying instead of hand-holding.
Noticing my little one blossom into a little boy from a baby has been incredible. It's also been hard. He is intelligent, funny and oh-so-handsome but he is also so little for his age. Emotional and sensitive, the slightest thing ('It's too bright!') can send him into a whirlwind of sad. He still has that side but his cheekiness and love of life is starting to push him further and further into this beautiful and big world. I've never had to watch him in public before because he is never more than a metre away. I've never had to tell him 'gentle hands!' or 'please don't call me that!' (Poo) and have only had to give the odd time out here or there as it's been his natural state to be cautious and kind. A much bigger boy was pulling faces at Jude at 'the little trains' the other day and Jude walked right into him and tried to knock him over. No fear. It's situations like this I can honestly say we've NEVER BEEN IN and it's hilarious and embarrassing and requires a whole new skill set. My eyes go wide and a smile starts curling my lips up when I see the results of another crazy decision he's made. I've been stuck on 'baby' mode for the last three years so this, this is all so new. Still I must protect and nurture but I must allow my mind and my heart to grow bigger and be more for him. I must run beside him and try to keep up and sometimes know when to just let him go... And you know. Sit and drink a coffee or something.
To say that my partner Paul and I have been through a rough patch would also be a complete understatement. Our relationship has been about a priority nine for the last year. I've had some beautiful friends and acquaintances try to help, talk and offer encouragement and support but the truth is all I've wanted was some space. Some space to ask myself some big questions and understand the big answers and accept all the unknowns. It's the unknowns that drive me bat-shit-crazy. I've needed time to be still, to read, to write, to sit and drink tea. It's been a difficult yet illuminating month of nightly solitude and I'm grateful for it and always will be. I have remembered who I am. I found her. She was patiently waiting for me underneath the shows and the emails and the chatter and the nonsense of 'busy.' Of trying to keep up with a fast world, when I know that isn't me. It never was, it never will be. I like to do things slowly and well. And if I can't do them well, then slowly will have to do.
I think Paul might have been happy to see his lady re-emerge too. I think he thought she was lost for good. And after all of the craziness of the past few months, here we stand together again. Properly together. On we go, with decisions made and time spent finding out the important stuff. It's not always easy but it's always worth it. That's what I've decided anyway.
I've also shed ten kilos from eating well. Who'd have thought it? I'm feeling lighter in body and in my heart. Ready for my best life. Reading the beautiful 'The Way of the Happy Woman' by Sara Avant Stover has been a wonderful companion on my little journey into myself. But the central message is to slow down, listen and heal, amongst other things.
You weren't made for keeping up, you weren't built to rush. You were made a human being with beautiful thoughts, ideas and love in your heart. You are flawed and you are perfect at the same time. You have something to teach and you have something to learn. Every single day.
Tuesday, 7 May 2013
I hear a lot of complaining around the place. It's everywhere around me and it's in me too. Honesty is beautiful but sometimes you really can get in your own way.
I often get the working mama balancing act wrong but you know, I often get it right too. There have been times where it would have been easier to not have Jude with me at a show but it wouldn't have been as much fun. I love that he sees, hears and understands what I do. There are other times I've pushed him too far and he would have been happier at his dad's house watching movies and snuggling or being doted on by his beloved Nanna.
The truth is, it doesn't matter which way we go. He is loved, he is love. I am loved, I am love. We walk, love and learn all this stuff together. And then we forget and remember again and again. One day I will be an old lady, a master of my emotions and thoughts with a hundred records to her name. But the boy who made me a mother, who will one day be a man, if he knows he was, is and will always be loved then that will make my heart smile most of all.
Never before and never again will I know such a love.
Be great. Be good. Be mediocre. Be fearless. Be cautious. Be kind. Be firm. Be sure. Guess. Be funny. Be honest. Be gentle. Smile. Walk. Hold. Eat. Drink. Sleep. Love. Love. Love. Do what you love and be love while you're doing it. Be Sarah. In tiredness, in confusion, in fear and in frustration - let me remember my everlasting love. My unending loveliness. My Sarah-ness.
Thursday, 14 February 2013
So my beautiful partner and I made this film clip. He did all the hard bits and I did all the easy bits. His name is Paul Melnyk and he's going to be making a lot more films and taking a lot more pictures from now on. I'm going to make sure of it.
Here is Boy Wonder... It kind of speaks for itself. My boy, how I love him so.
He is at Montessori for the morning. After an incredible first week it went downhill. The past two weeks he has cried for his Mummy as I leave and it's broken me in two. I went to parent/teacher meet and greet and cried. I cried at the shops. I cried whenever I spoke of Jude being at this magical, beautiful place - a place that I didn't get to go to as well. Today he didn't cry, he took his teacher by the hand and asked him for his muesli bar. It filled me with joy and with hope that we can do this, my boy wonder and I.